Report Card

"You failed?

"I wasn't happy when you got the B. Wasn't happy with that at all. But I think a teacher giving out an F is simply irresponsible, I really do. It's easy for them to sit behind their little desks and tear down what other people create, and they might not understand how damaging their pronouncements can be. I'm fine with criticism, all I'm asking is that it's fair. I feel like they don't respect the tremendous amount of work your mother and I put into releasing you.

"The problem with an F is that there are so many children out there and it's very hard for us to get you noticed. This has brought down your grade average and that sends a signal to potential employers, friends, girlfriends, to stay away from you. You're not worth their time. And it says to us that you were ill-conceived from the start, and we should have spent our money elsewhere. I don't believe that your teacher really comprehends everything that's at stake, which is why I don't think teachers should be allowed to teach until they've made a kid of their own.

"You know, I think your teacher might not get who you are, or appreciate what you're trying to be. I'm going to make a call to the principal and see if I can't get a different teacher assigned to you -- someone who really understands what you're going for and was a fan of our previous children.

"Look: you're not perfect. There are a dozen things I wish I'd had the time to fix. But I will always be proud of you. And all you have to do to make me happy is to start earning millions of dollars."